


reconnect

by Rawritsamehh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:01:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26181571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawritsamehh/pseuds/Rawritsamehh
Summary: Dan reconnects with his mother after a very big email.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 28
Kudos: 83





	reconnect

**Author's Note:**

> big thanks to amber, bri, zero, & liz for the betaing, help, and support <3

Dan hasn’t been this nervous on a train journey in a really long time. 

Nine years, perhaps. 

—

He’s alone on a southbound train. Part of him wishes he weren’t alone, but he knows they made the right decision. Having Phil by his side would be a huge comfort, but this was something he desperately needed to do on his own. He’s getting better at tackling things by himself, but he still isn’t sure it was the right choice. He isn’t sure that any of this is the right choice. 

The view is a blur of trees and vast green… nothingness. Raindrops are splattered across the window. Dan pulls the sleeves of his jumper down to further cover his hands, hearing Phil coo over his “sweater paws” in his head; it makes him smile. Eventually he caves and leans his head against the window, closing his eyes and allowing himself to wallow in his thoughts. 

He sent the email just two weeks ago. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, partially because of how busy he’s been with planning his video. Phil had to all but force him to take this break in the first place. While the responses have been positive, he hasn’t really talked to anyone since; a few texts here and there with his Nana promising he’s caring for himself and eating, but otherwise it’s been silent and weird. Weirder than usual. 

Nana won’t be here to offer as a buffer this time, though. She and his grandfather are off on some church-related trip to the countryside. He’d even feel better if his brother were present but no, he’s away on a soul-searching mountain adventure or some shit. 

At least Colin will be there. 

Dan smiles again at the thought of sweet Colin, and how much he misses that dog. He hasn’t been down for a visit in awhile and he can’t wait to snuggle up with the old fluffball on the couch. He wishes he could get away with spending the whole trip like that. 

Unfortunately, this trip has one purpose and one purpose only– to reconnect with his mother. They haven’t really talked much outside of idle chats during holiday visits in a long time. Dan knows it isn’t all her fault, though; he’s just as guilty of isolating himself and not communicating. He’s kept this huge  _ thing _ secret for so long, and he basically had to learn in therapy how to be open again. It’s something he’s been working on, and hopefully this will be a good step towards that. 

  
  


—

Dan quietly gathers his belongings as the train pulls into the station. People around him have begun standing and walking towards the doors, but he’s in no hurry today. He sends Phil a text letting him know that he’s arrived, double checks to make sure he didn’t miss any messages or calls, and slides it into his pocket. Once the crowd has thinned, he stands, stretches his sore limbs and makes his way to the doors. 

And just like that, he’s back in Reading. 

He pauses for a moment, takes a deep breath, ducks his head, and turns towards the exit. He prays silently to whoever might be listening that he doesn’t run into anyone he used to know. Subscribers he can handle; running into a former classmate would send him back to the safety of his flat before they could even remember his name. 

—

The car comes to a stop near the driveway and Dan seriously considers having the driver turn around and head back to the train station. He knows he has to persevere, though. He has to do this. For his own sanity and his relationship with his mother, he has to do this. 

He hesitates before knocking. It hits him that he doesn’t recall when he stopped just walking in and began knocking instead. It’s definitely been a few years but he can’t think of  _ when _ . When did his childhood home turn into a foreign place? 

Familiar barking brings him back to the present, and it settles him enough to bring a small smile to his face. But before he can knock, the door opens and he’s being pulled into a hug. It startles him, but he ends up hugging her back, tighter than most of their hugs that he can recall. Possibly tighter than any hug they’ve shared since he’s been an adult. 

“Hello sweetie, it’s good to see you!” His mum exclaims as she pulls away. She’s smiling and appears happy, but Dan can tell it’s a bit forced. He doesn’t blame her. 

“Hey mum.” He smiles back at her, and does his best to make it fully genuine. 

—

Being back in his childhood bedroom never gets easier for Dan. His mum has completely renovated it over the years; it’s had a few different shades of paint (currently a weird pastel blue), and the furniture all matches and there’s floral paintings on the walls. The bed is now a double, which fits him far better than his single ever did. The sheets and curtains are bland and unremarkable. 

But still, being in this room makes him feel like he’s constantly in fight-or-flight mode– emphasis on the flight. 

Dan sighs and drops his bag onto the bed. He pulls out his charger and plugs in his phone. After sending Phil another update, he checks his emails and messages again. He debates wasting even more time by taking a shower he really doesn’t need. In the end, he just changes into more comfortable clothes (or, that’s his excuse anyway --his favorite stretchy jeans and striped jumper are about as comfortable as they get, but his mum doesn’t need to know that) and heads back downstairs. 

Colin is waiting for him in the hall, like the sweet boy he is. Dan kneels down and takes a moment to talk with him and pet him. 

“So, do you want me to cook or should we order out for dinner?” 

Dan jumps and looks to see his mum in the kitchen doorway. “Um, let’s order. Maybe grab some wine? I don’t want to make you cook just for me.” 

She smiles. “I’m fine either way, but there is a good little place that’s pretty new. They have some  _ amazing _ pizzas! Even vegan options, if you’re still on that kick.” She raises her eyebrows and smirks at the last part. They may not talk much, but she does still know some of his quirks. Being only part-time vegan, much to his brother’s dismay, is one of them. 

He just chuckles and nods before following her into the kitchen. 

–

They’re out on the patio, another space that his mum has redone since he left. It’s nice and airy and cozy. They’ve both had a few slices of pizza and a glass of wine, and they’ve nearly exhausted all of the usual small talk subjects. Dan knows the conversation he’s been dreading won’t be put off for too much longer. 

She breaks the silence first. “I’m proud of you, you know.” 

He looks up and furrows his brow. It isn’t the first time she’s said it. She’s mentioned being proud of what he’s created before. 

“Not just for what you put out in the world, what you…do.” She makes vague gestures with her hands and they laugh. “You know what I mean, don’t laugh at me! I mean...I’m proud of  _ you _ . That email had to have taken a lot of strength. Hell, keeping that in for so long had to...I don’t even know. I can’t imagine how it feels for you.” 

He takes a moment, fiddling with his wine glass and staring out into the distance. “It’s…it’s like something was sitting on my chest. Something heavy. It had been there for so, so long and I’d gotten used to it but it still hurt. It made it hard to breathe sometimes. I could live my life but...it was still always there. Now it feels like it’s a lot lighter.” He looks at her and gives her a tight smile. “It’s still there. I’m not….out, publicly, not other than some close friends and some people I’ve worked with over the years. And now family. But it’s a lot better than it used to be. I don’t think I really realized how bad it was until I felt some relief.” 

She’s quiet for a moment, mulling over his words. “Do you plan on coming out publicly?” 

“Yeah. I’m working on a video, I have been for months. Well, longer really...but officially I began it a few months back. It’s a really big, intense project so far.”

“Is it okay if I ask some questions? I don’t want to push any boundaries or anything I just...I want to get to know the real you a little bit better.” 

Dan can see the beginnings of tears in her eyes. After pouring them both another glass, he smiles at her and nods his head. “Go ahead. I’m an open book now.” 

–

Two hours and a bottle later, they’re both laughing and feeling more at ease. She’s asked a multitude of standard questions, but they’ve also had some heavy discussions. He got to spill about his first crushes, his first heartbreak, and why he hid himself from everyone for so long. Tears were shed and promises made. There is one thing she hasn’t asked about yet, though, and he can feel it hanging in the air around them. He tried to ease in some aspects of it with other answers, but she doesn’t seem to have caught on. It’s probably the one question that scares him the most. 

He doesn’t have to wait much longer after that thought. 

“Dan?” She asks quietly. “There is something else, I just…don’t really know how to ask, I guess.”

_ Fuck _ . 

Taking a deep breath, she continues. “You're seeing someone, aren't you?” 

He instantly thinks of Phil and can’t help but smile. 

“Yeah, I am.” Dan glances at her and he knows he must have some dopey, fond, love-sick look on his face by how she’s looking back at him. 

“It’s Phil, isn’t it?” 

“Yes.” 

“For how long?” 

Dan pauses for a moment, head hanging down towards the table. He knows this is going to hurt and there really is no way to soften the blow. 

“Ten years this November.” He doesn’t move. He keeps his gaze on the table and plays with the hem of his sleeves. 

“.....oh,” she whispers. 

And yeah, there’s the hurt he knew was coming. 

He hears her inhale again. “Ten years? That’s a really long time, wow.”

“Yeah. Pretty much ever since we met.” 

“Oh…oh god. All your Manchester trips back then…”

Dan simply nods. 

“Is that why you would get so upset with us? When we tried to keep you from going so often?” 

That makes him chuckle a bit half-heartedly. “I mean, I was also just eighteen and dramatic...but yeah. Being with Phil back then was the only place I felt safe. My therapist fights me when I say it, but...Phil saved me. He really did. I truly think we needed each other and we were incredibly lucky to find one another when we did.” 

Wiping away a tear he didn’t realize had fallen, he looks over and notices his mum has tears on her cheeks as well. 

“I’m so glad you two found each other. I’ve always thought you two shared something special, I don’t know how I didn’t ever really question it before. Maybe I was purposefully ignoring it? I don’t know. It just seems so obvious now.” 

“Mum, it’s okay. We didn’t want people to know. We went through a lot of fucking hoops to protect ourselves. We’ve loosened up over the past few years, slowly, but still. I never told you. It wasn’t your job to just….figure it out.” He reaches over and grabs her hand. 

“I’m just thinking of all the things I’ve missed over the years, you know? I feel like I was so blind. I should’ve been spending more time with Phil and getting to know him better. I should’ve invited him on holidays and over for Christmas. I know you spend a lot of time with his family already.” 

He sighs. This is another topic he was afraid of. “Yeah. They, uh, they’ve known for awhile actually. It wasn’t something we did intentionally, I guess with me being over so often, they were bound to catch onto things. Phil was way more confident in his sexuality at the time too so when they asked him, he had no reasons to really deny it.” 

“Oh...oh, wow.” 

“I’m sorry. I wish I could’ve told you sooner. I wish everything was easier.”

“It’s okay, I’m not upset with you. I know things in the family were pretty hard when you were younger, and that isn’t your fault. I’m glad you found people you felt safe with. I’m more upset with myself, you know? But I’ll be alright.” She squeezes his hand and offers a smile. “So then, tell me about Phil.” 

Dan’s face breaks into a dimpled grin, despite the tears in his eyes. “He truly is amazing, mum. I don’t even know where to start…”

–

It’s still early in the morning when Dan comes home. He walks through the flat quietly, knowing that Phil is still asleep. When he reaches the doorway, he pauses for a moment just to look at Phil, all wrapped up in their duvet. Dan’s heart swells with affection and he truly doesn’t understand how he ever got so lucky. No, things haven’t always been easy, and they’ve fought their way to where they are today, but still. They found each other all those years ago and Dan couldn’t be more thankful.

Apparently spending the past few days reconnecting with his mother has brought out his ridiculously sappy side– he can’t really complain, though. His mom has plans to come visit them in a few weeks, Dan will be going to see his Nana next month, his project is coming along beautifully, and he has Phil. His…companion, through life. 

Dan grabs his phone, opens up his notes, and jots that phrase down before crawling into bed. 


End file.
